Rumble Ramble

Good Cheer in the Midst of Trial

2012-02-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

Someone, at some time, (it may have been C.S. Lewis) said something to the effect that one of the crowning differences between those who believe in Christ and those who don't is not their general day-to-day good nature, but their good nature in times of great trial. I'm sure it was stated much better and there was a lot more to it, but I already just spent too much time trying to find it and I think you get the point anyway. If not, it's this:

I may have plenty of joy when everything is going my way; when I feel the favor of the Lord or am just going steady, but so can anyone else. People are usually in a pretty good mood when things are going pretty well for them. But what happens to joy when things go wrong, or when they're harder than we expected, or when they turn out differently than we wanted them to? Is it dissipated? Is it solely dependent on our circumstances?

The more I learn about and experience these things, the more I believe that Joy, like Love, is not an emotion. Part of it is an issue of being sloppy in our language, and using "joy" and "love" interchangeably with words for happiness and preference. I think, however, that though Joy and Love can definitely be felt, they are not so much feelings as they are states of being that we decide to reside in and act out of. Otherwise, you know, I would expect them to be a little easier to come by.

I am going to use this morning...

2012-02-07T06:19:00.000-08:00

to not get dressed, to not wash my face, and to make a cup of coffee and stare out my window asking the Lord for some direction. Thankful that I can do this.

New Chapter (Part II)

2012-01-29T12:08:00.000-08:00

New Challenges!

So it's been a little over three weeks since the semester started and being in only one class that meets once a week, it feels remarkably like I'm never there. Here's the word on that: awesome.

So what's tough right now is being present for the present. Instead of being so busy that I can't imagine anything that's outside of my existence, I have all this time for reflection that tempts me to live in all these places that aren't here. Past and future, but not right now. Normally I don't have any problem with planning because I really enjoy planning even when I'm pretty sure nothing I plan is going to come to fruition, but since I just had this conviction about filling my life up with busyness for the sake of busyness, I figure I should probably hold off on filling my time with a bunch of other crap. At least for a while.

But there's all these possibilities, you know?

Stuff I want to plan/start:

- guitar lessons (?)

- German

- working more

- working out

- Trip to Cali in April to send off the manly man on the Pacific Crest Trail

- WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) in Ireland with B in July.

- Road trip to Oregon for Foundations in Counseling Ministry school with a lot of potential detours

- FCM!

- Stay in Oregon? Stay in Salem? Move to Canada? Float or settle? Why do I need to figure this out now? I don't need to figure it out right now but geez it'd be kinda NICE.

But nope, I gotta be quiet. How often do we get quiet times? And I'm sure it won't be very long in retrospect, so why in the world would I take it for granted? I won't. Labor to rest, as they say.

Morning Ritual

2012-01-20T10:10:00.000-08:00

I enjoy this immensely.

New Chapter (Part I)

2012-01-18T09:55:00.000-08:00

Not because of the new year or anything. Not even because I'm especially tired of the last chapter (though I am when I really think about it). It's more because I can't help it. Or I'm tired of suppressing it.

Remember when I was "thinking" of letting go of university? Well, after realizing that school started in three days when I thought I had another two weeks, more conversations with people of varying perspectives, and some desperate prayer, a few things became apparent: 1. My only motivation for school at the present moment is security for my future 2. With such motives, I am not relying on God for anything. 3. The things I desire to do/become equipped to do I have no time for 4. I'm not entirely sure what I desire to do because I usually don't have to think about it because I'm usually distracted by school.

Well, that sounds really stupid, doesn't it?

I'm sure I've gone through them before on here, but I have so many legitimate arguments in favor of higher education. I should be a recruiter. I could probably actually make decent money at that (I wonder if you have to be a graduate?). Regardless, the bottom line is that a year and a half ago I got hit with the thought that if I really believe what I say I believe, then doing what I'm doing with my life looks remarkably like I just believe what everyone else believes. I remember reciting Romans 12:2 with all this conviction at Bible study circa spring 2010 and making absolutely no plans to do anything about it. Don't conform to the pattern of this world. Awesome. So, like, don't drink or smoke or sleep around, right? So I'm good. Returning to it a month or two later, that all sounded pretty weak. Even the world looks down on all that. What's an even stronger pattern, something it really holds up as respectable? Going through school so you can work so you can afford house to raise a family in. Straying from that ALWAYS gets flak. And I am basically in school to avoid that flak, with the hopes of excelling and mastering that pattern that's been set up. Not because I want to do something that requires a skill that it can teach me. Not because I want anything in that pattern, even. I just want the title and the rights to say, "I did it."

THAT'S stupid.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

What if the plans God has for me (us) don't have to be confined to that pattern? I admit that most of the time, my imagination is so small that I can't think of anything outside of it. And it's no coincidence that those are also the times when I am the most secure in my position and the most depressed about life. And what if, also, I can never hear what God wills for me because I'm so busy working through the steps for a successful life on earth? Yeeeesh. That's alarming.

All this to say: I'm not in school this semester. It's still January and my spirit is reeling, trying to make sense of what I'm doing, looking for tasks to distract me from the fact that I'm so uncomfortable being still. Yeah, I may feel like school is getting me nowhere but I'd rather be in class right now, feeling normal and busy and not alone. However, I'm utterly convinced I'm not supposed to be there. As my friend John put it, "When God tells you to do something, you just gotta do it. You don't want to end up inside a whale." Nope. I really don't want to end up inside some proverbial whale. More importantly, I know that obedience lands me in the opposite: blessings. And blessings aren't always easy, remember? But that's a whole other can of worms.

Delights and Decisions

2011-12-28T07:32:00.000-08:00

Hi.

It's been a little while. Lots of things have been going on, both in the physical environment and internal faculties. So here is a recent installment in two of the on-going conversations of my person: things I like and what I'm doing with my life (. . .ahem).

FIRST
This is right now, and it's lovely.

This is also lovely, and one of those few articles I now possess that I will keep with me forever.

Michelle, Amy and myself, respectively. Done by the ridiculously talented Kristin who just put up her show of similar pieces at Benetti's.

Also this:

Thanks mom.

SECOND:

After a series of meetings and conversations with many people whom I love and respect, who have enough love for me to tell me when I'm being stupid, my logic for doing what I am doing was challenged, or maybe just disregarded. It's kind of funny how you can talk with people and even though you might have thought of all their arguments before, it's startling to hear them come from someone who is not you. It's also comforting, though, and ensures me I'm not too crazy or stupid.

All that to say, I think university is going to take the back burner for a while. "I think" being key words. Nothing has really been done yet, except for talking and researching, but I'm pretty confident I've got something better to look forward to and work toward than finishing college.

The Power of Things You Like

2011-10-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hey guess what. I'm not somewhere anonymous and I'm not being distracted from work. I'm writing because I have time and something to say. This is so novel to me that I'm not sure how to handle it.

I am, however, home alone, which is helpful. I'm also still in pajamas at nearly noon, which is FANTASTIC. All this because I decided to stay home from church which, I'm convinced, is sometimes actually necessary for our relationship with God.

Anyway, after sleeping in and being conscious of my comfort, making a press of Silhouette, starting some black beans on the stove, and sitting down to draw day 2 of the 30 Day Drawing Challenge, I somehow got sucked into a once-in-this-cat's-lifetime snug fest with Wendy.

I guess she's forgiven me for all the wrong I've done her.

While listening to her motor-boat purr, however, I was looking at this wall.

Those iris paintings were there when I moved in. Mor Mor did them. There really beautiful, but not really my style. I left them up though, because I hadn't brought that much wall art from my parents' and I didn't want it to be bare, so they've just been hanging out all this time. Today though, being a rare restful one, I thought I'd look to see what I did have to replace them.

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of what my wall looked like at my parents'. I remember being real proud of it, though, and some of it's still there, but here's what I dug up today.

I still need to accrue some more pieces to make it the over all shape I'm going for, but here's what I remembered: things, however small, that you like or have sentimental value, have remarkable power. I could've left up those iris paintings and been perfectly content, though never really paying attention to them. Certainly we never need things we like, but even as I just opened the file folder that had these and a few other pictures, my heart got all giddy seeing these things that I just like a lot. Colors and shapes that are like a balm to my eyes, not mention the shapes of friends' faces. Especially this one, though I didn't put it up because it'd get lost in the blue.

What a lovely.

I remember coming home from DTS, after living in dorms or small rooms with 1-30 people for 5 months without much time or reason to make my surroundings personal, walking into my room which was just as I left it, and crying because of how me it was and I had forgotten all about it. It was like putting on a perfectly fitting body suit of quiet love and simple joy. That may sound a little mellow dramatic but I don't know how else to describe it. Point is, your surroundings make a difference, and when you spend some time making them a sanctuary, they make a big difference. And in the midst of reflecting on all that, I began to verbally abuse Wendy because I thought she had farted until I realized that the beans I had put on the stove were burning. Sorry Wendy.

I suppose, really, all this is is another one of those things that is neither necessary nor especially useful, but if something can be enjoyed, I mean, you know how I am about enjoying things.

Woot!

Those Times I Go Places Where I Know I'll Be Anonymous To Get Stuff Done But Always End Up Not Getting Stuff Done

2011-10-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

It's because, when I go places where I feel anonymous, it also happens to be the best and only time I could write something reflective and the very place I'm most inspired to reflect. So much for getting stuff done. I'll leave it for later when I'm all out of inspiration for academic or imaginary things.

And so, keepin' true to my blog theme, I shall go through the topics of coffee, time and weather, respectively.
(COFFEE) I am still so thankful and delighted with my job. I think I was still in training the last time I even talked about it, but now I have graduated to (I think) full-force barista status. At least, my double shots have earned respect and last week I made two macchiatos that were positively gushed over. I'm not sure I adequately suppressed my victory dance until said customers had left, but needless to say I was REAL HAPPY about it. I have yet to master perfect (or consistent) latte art but I'm working on it and it will come. I've only been there for five months anyway. Which, actually, is kind of astounding (TIME). I think the past year has been the fastest moving year of all my life thus far. And everyone who is older than me keeps telling me it's only going to go faster, which leads me to believe that I'm going to fall asleep one of these nights as a 19 year old and wake up in my 60's. Bummer.

Quick note about this anonymous place: it's in the city, and I notice now that the city seems to take on the winter theme much too easily (WEATHER). Without many trees, concrete and pavement seem to feel cold a lot more than they feel warm, and tall buildings create these sort of dreadful wind tunnels with any sort of breeze. I notice this the most when I walk between the library and the art building on campus which, even though there is an ever-billowing steam vent and it always smells like donuts (?), it always manages to be several degrees colder and many miles per hour windier than anywhere else and turns the backs of my hands slightly blue. And I always forget this and don't wear warmer clothes because I'm always thinking how hot the German classroom is.

And now, things that I look forward to with anticipation: Thanksgiving break and. . .well I guess that's it, right now. Christmas break, too, but that still seems so unattainably far away that it's best just to think of how Thanksgiving break is only 3 weeks away. Then I will be able to enjoy these mornings, contribute to the dinner making around here, and satiate my sudden urge to knit. For now, I'll do all those things, just with the additional notion that I'm being distracted from a bunch of other things.

2011-10-22T16:45:00.001-07:00

Can you imagine hearing for the first time?

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1gaHsa/www.mayomo.com/100160-deaf-woman-hears-her-voice-for-the-first-time-with-hearing-implant-esteem

KC Coffee

2011-10-03T05:53:00.000-07:00

KC Coffee being recognized warms my heart a little bit.

Doing Things You Don't Want To Do So Other People Won't Think You Don't Want To Do Other Things

2011-09-25T20:43:00.000-07:00

Not really.

More like, doing things you don't want to do because Someone asked you to, not because anyone else wants you to.

Someone told me today, during a conversation about life changes and plans, in essence, "Well, you'll finish school I hope, before you do anything else." Honestly, I really don't have many buttons, but school is becoming one, and it's been getting pushed lately.

What's so great about school?! Don't answer that! I know exactly what's so great about school. The acquiring of knowledge, discovering interests, learning skills in discipline, memorization, organization, communicating and working with peers and superiors. I'm a huge advocate for school. But, it is not going to dictate the trajectory of my life. I will use what I've learned from my years of school experience throughout the rest of my life. . .just as I would if I had spent those years doing something else. Should I have been doing something else? No. Does that mean I should continue to do the same thing? Apparently.

For people who want to be/do something specific, it's an asset, as well as a necessity. But what do I want to be/do? A bad ass, a woman of God, a goer, a doer, none of which are on the list of available majors. But I had to pick one, and when everyone naturally inquired what I planned to do with a degree in communications, all I could ever think to say was, "Be a better friend." I don't mean that as a joke. I don't even mean that to be ironically funny or charming. The only real purpose I have for going to school right now is so that I might be a better friend, a better partner, a better spouse, a better coworker, a better stranger.

And I'm paying $8,000 a year for that? (And of course when I say "I'm," I mean my parents and grandparents who are so eager for my academic success.) Certainly, if that is my end, my means seem excessive. I don't need a degree to have satisfying relationships.

So what am I doing.

I am only in school because I feel like God has lead me to be. That may sound like pretty weak reasoning from someone who just ranted about not wanting to do anything just because anyone told her to, but this is a voice unequaled in authority.
But why should I follow it? Not even the manifestation of that authority; only a mere notion of what it wants me to do? Because this notion has the same tone of voice, if you will, that I've followed before, which has lead me to experiences and blessings unsurpassed in my short life. I'm not about to quit now.

ctrl_alt_wtf

2011-09-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that we have recently entered the month of September. Uhm. What.
It has now been over a year since my life started doing somersaults (that is the first time in my life that I have ever written or seen the word somersaults. . .huh) and taking on any sort of consistent theme; since I started doing things not for myself and not because people were telling me to; since I started making decisions formative of my person or however you want to put it. It all sounds pretty cliche. Deal with it.
Whatever you want to call it, though, whatever started around a year ago, it's not over. It's only been getting bigger and stranger and more exciting as the days have passed. On New Year's Eve this past year my only resolution, if you could call it that, was just a prayer that 2011 would be even more crazy and unexpected and blessed and challenging than 2010 was. I was in Burma then. But, like all New Year's resolutions, you forget about them within the first few weeks of the year, things feel a little slow, and take on a pattern of normalcy that suddenly feels like our entire lives.
But I just recently remembered that prayer, and when I remembered it I happened to be on a plane on my way to far away state to confess my love to a man who didn't even know I was coming, much less what I was about to tell him. Aaaand, I thought, "Huh. Looks like that prayer is gettin answered."

Yep.

T-R-A-N-S-I-T-I-O-N.

Whatever kind of post I had in mind when I wrote the title, it's left me now. I always start these things off with one thing in mind and they end up somewhere else and by that time it's too late and I'm too tired to care too much, but I guess the general vibe I wanted to get across was

INCREDULOUS

GRATEFUL

BLESSED

"WHAAAAAT?"

Life is really, really good.

Coffee Post! Coffee Post!

2011-08-25T10:57:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you ever wondered how baristas make coffee at home (. . .I never did), but for those of you who are not me, the Benetti's crew is giving the dish on our home tricks and trinkets and I'm up! Watch for all six here.

But please don't tell me, "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps"

2011-08-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Prepared to employ some very definitive language this weekend.

2011-07-31T18:38:00.001-07:00

A young girl fainted in church. She hit her head on the pew. The organist was playing so loud I was the only one who noticed. After, he told me that he too had seen the girl hit the pew and that's what inspired him to play so well.

I had a glass of water hidden in a drawer in my desk just in case I got thirsty. Somebody accidentally bumped my desk and spilled the water all over my papers. Later someone told me that everyone knew about the glass and that the accident was staged. I told him I was aware that everyone knew about it and had been doing it just to see what would happen. He said they all knew that I knew and had done it just to see how I would react.

- William Wegman

Summer school is finally over. I say 'finally' but really it flew by. Even in the midst of it I felt that it was going by fast. Fast like natural disaster, though. My pride would not like for me to admit how difficult this semester was for me, but, there it is. It was really difficult. I'm generally so excited about academic things, right down to the joy of fresh notebook paper (or perhaps especially the joy of fresh notebook paper), but I also probably have never had so many other things that seemed so important clamoring for my attention. Or maybe it's the same amount as usual and it is my eagerness to deal with them that has changed. If that's the case, then that's frustrating. If I had been eager to deal earlier then maybe I wouldn't feel like I'm drowning now. (but is this the proverbial drowning of my dreams? And if so, then when do we get to the part where I find out I can breathe under water?) Regardless, I've never learned more in a semester. And since none of the things I learned had anything to do with school, it actually kind of feels like I'm still in school because I'm STILL learning lessons on the daily. Big ones. And I know it won't end, praise God (but will You let me rest sometime?).

One more thing about school before I put the subject to rest: in an effort to reach a certain quota of work in creative writing and not having a lot of time to come up with the sort of thing I would normally be willing to share with an audience, I had to pull out some old stuff that I definitely had never planned on sharing. Not necessarily because I was embarrassed by it but because i

t didn't really make a lot of sense and I didn't even know what to call it, even though it makes up most of what I do. It's not really poetry, too short to be prose, and there's never any sort of plot that could qualify it as a story. Probably the most accurate description would be 'exercises in creating a distinct atmosphere, tone of voice, and emotional connection in 500 words or less.' This is when I realized that nothing I ever write is over 500 words. It is also where I learned that I rarely develop a certain work. If I write something, it's all in one go and I don't like going back to change it, but by no means because it was perfect the first time.

Regardless, I threw all kinds of stuff out there. Thankfully we didn't have to specify what kind of work it was because my description definitely was not on the list for us to choose from, which was made apparent when most of my classmate's feedback essentially said, "I. . .don't really know what this is." Well, neither do I. "I just threw a bunch of words together and called it art."

Later, though, I found those Little Tales by William Wegman and felt a little better. Perhaps I'm not the only one.

And now. Now. Continuing. Developing. Approaching. Pursuing. Time goes terribly fast and so much happens in a moment. How many times can I swing from being convinced of my plans to feeling like a straight up fool in one day, and where will I be when it really matters? Does it matter? Don't answer that.

In conclusion, I did some decorating with dead bugs recently. I think they're beautiful.

City Dwelling

2011-06-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

I've grown up around one city my entire life, and I haven't done much moving around it. And though I did most of my growing up about an hour outside of the city in the middle of not a lot (on 250 acres of farmland), I still have always identified it as my home because that's where the magic happened. Now I actually live in the city, in probably the most prime location anyone could hope for, and I've been thinking a lot about nature.

I haven't been thinking of 'home' or the country or even any Missouri wilderness. I feel like most of Missouri's wilderness is just farmland now anyway. It's gorgeous, and I love it, and I always thought there were enough hills and trees to satisfy my need for mystery (being so close to Kansas' plains makes me especially grateful), but in the grand North American landscape, I feel like Missouri is Central Park. It's a perfect size, the hills roll, the grass is lush, springs and summers are rich and verdant, and almost anything you want to grow will thrive, but it remains manageable. It's easy to control and manipulate, it's easy to feel large in the landscape. It's easy to feel like a big deal, and it's pretty much impossible to actually get lost (I've tried). Maybe I haven't been in the right parts of Missouri, but that's been my life long impression.

Living in the city exaggerates that feeling. There are several aspects to it that I love, but I can't go anywhere that no one else will be. I can't go anywhere that hasn't been altered by people. I can't go anywhere without seeing trash. I can't get lost. I can definitely discover, and I love to explore the city and see how the culture changes from block to block, and how the community of one block may never cross in to the next. I love old buildings and the history in architecture. I like graffiti and museums and coffee shops, but maybe I'd like to feel disregarded by my surroundings. Maybe it'd be nice to not be able to see what's coming up. I would like to feel small; insignificant and yet invited.

That's weird, because I've been feeling like this for the past couple weeks, but I just now realized that what I wish for physically is what I'm experiencing spiritually. I would think they would be opposite, but I guess I don't have a real reason for thinking that. I feel incredibly small. I have no idea what's coming up. I am wonderfully insignificant and yet cared for. I am vulnerable to my surroundings, and there's an element of fear or anticipation for not knowing how things will go down, but they're going to go down and at this point it's not up to me. I feel like I've gone out on a limb on a limb on a limb and it could either end up being disastrous or miraculous. I'm banking on the later, because I don't have anything else to do.

So. I don't know. Maybe I'll get to feel lost in my surroundings before anything goes down. Or maybe they'll happen at the same time. However, it's good. God is good, and it's all His. I am His along with everything else, and He is faithful to those who love Him. What incredible things He has already done! Just in the past year, too. How much more will He do over my lifetime? Good gravy. There are things to look forward to. But for now I will soak up all the life in a 15 mile radius, with the traffic noise and free wifi and mutual strangers and graffiti and old buildings. For now.

2011-06-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's been about a month since I started working at a coffee shop, and still I have not learned how to pull a shot. Don't think I'm bitter, though. We're going through coffee training slowly and meticulously, and I'm enjoying it so much. The more I learn, the more I want to learn and the more I become a purist. I won't be a snob, though. I won't I won't I won't. But sometime soon I will be pulling sick shots with dark and frothy crema, makin' double machs like you ain't never had before. And maybe by then people will stop giving me trouble for being the newby. Geez.

I think I actually get less flak for being a newby than I do for having a nose ring. Half (at least) of my coworkers are all tatted up, but this nose ring business is some new crazy thing and I must really be trouble. The only people who really say anything, though, are the old guys who always make creepy comments about how they could tie a rope to it and lead me around. Well. Gross. Maybe they'd think twice if they saw my hairy armpits. Wearin' them loud and proud today. I'm talking tank top and overhead stretching and all. The thrill is comparable to a kids first day at school, I think.

Anyway.

School still sucks, mornings still hurt, but it's getting better. I don't really know anything more than I did before about future things, but I know (and feel, that's unusual) that I'll know when I need to and not a moment before, and whatever it is, however it works out, it will be as it should if only I will be PATIENT and obedient to God. Workin on it. And I'll be working on it for the rest of my life. I am getting plenty of ideas of what I could do, but all of them would require God's blessing because I absolutely couldn't do them on my own. But that's the way I want to live. That is the way I desire to live.

What to do, what to DO

2011-06-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Two weeks of pulling my hair and losing sleep because there was absolutely not enough time to do so much homework. It doesn't help that I seem to have lost most of my academic desire. Not all of it, though. Mom told me to drop a class and I wanted to whine all about how I wouldn't have my Associate's with this semester if I did, but then I remembered that I have no idea what I would do with an Associate's anyway. Plus, it wouldn't do me much good to finish four classes but sacrifice my GPA. But what does that even matter? Who's going to look at my GPA? Who would I ever want to impress that would care about it at all? Whatever. Dropped Cultural Geography in hopes of keeping a 4.0. Not holding my breath.

Despite my dwindling desire to obtain various degrees of education, my uncontrollable instinct to look ahead is as strong and obnoxious as ever. I plan and plan and unplan and replan and no conclusions are made because I am here and not there. And no clues are given because, I'm assuming, I'm still working through the last set of directions He gave me. Those directions which aren't making a lot of sense, and even look sort of detrimental or counterproductive. But they're not. I know they're not. Maybe someday I'll get to see how they're not. And maybe someday He'll give me directions towards adventure and community again. BUT, I'm in Today and not Someday, and today I have to go to work. And tomorrow is new, and in two weeks I'll already be half way through the semester. woot.

This Again

2011-06-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

I'm at the library, doing homework. Except not. It's been a year, but nothing's changed; I still get distracted by everything.

ENGLISH: DONE. EVERYTHING ELSE: NOT DONE.

aaaaaaand I'm writing a blog post.

But while I'm here, I may as well say something worthwhile. How about this: I spent last weekend in Arizona. First time traveling since I got home from overseas, and I got all kinds of travel butterflies reminiscent of southern Asia. What I learned then which is still true now: my travel mode is alert and focused. If you try to talk to me while I'm looking for gates or my passport, you will encounter my Grumpy, which is me not replying to anything you say and wishing you weren't saying anything. At least, that's how I am in large groups. Maybe if I traveled with only one other person who also knew what they were doing, it would be different. Maybe that's why I'm so comfortable traveling alone.

Anyway, I don't think I could ever live in Arizona. My mom says she doesn't know how kids grow up there, since everything outside is pokey. But, the lake was an oasis in the dessert just as the company was an oasis to my spirit; beautiful and refreshing.

But then I came home and the oasis dispersed. Whatever I had been distracted from for the weekend was still around. Inexplainable guilt, unnameable apathy. Lame, directionless, purposeless, destined for mediocrity. What are you? Where are you coming from? How do I fight you? My head wants to pick a fight right now but at the same time I'm so freaking tired. How did I get this tired? What could I possibly be doing to merit this exhaustion?

He is giving me newness every day, He is fulfilling one (probably more) of many promises to me, He's trusting me. I don't get that, but I think that's what it is.

A Few Things

2011-05-16T18:30:00.001-07:00

2. My eyes are on the strawberries out back. If tomorrow is sunny, they will be beautifully ripe by noon.

3. Taking a break from melancholy music. Those bittersweet songs will kill me if I'm not careful.

4. Beginning to draw more.

5. I may not be detecting the grapefruit in the Sumatra but I'm definitely tasting the butterscotch in the House Blend.

6. Wondering what breathing under water could mean, metaphorically.

6.1 (Missing the ocean terribly.)

7. Practicing faith in finances, though also anticipating car bills and wondering whether I should spend the extra on bike tires or guitar strings. Or plane tickets.

8. "It might kill me, but I won't be bored."

Life is hard and I need help, and it's a good thing.

2011-05-04T20:19:00.000-07:00

I feel more awake right now than I have in weeks. It may be due to the fellowship I just experienced or the two cups of coffee that were placed in front of me with the command, "Drink," to which I complied. I always tell myself that coffee past noon isn't worth it but when it comes down to it, I am unable to say no. Especially when it's for the sake of flavor and experience and honing taste buds. Someday, someday soon I will be able to detect those grapefruit undertones. You just wait.

But really, it may have been that fellowship. I began to learn, months ago, about the blessing of being able to share one's burdens. I'm still learning to practice it. It is not at all natural for me to tell someone my problems, and I used to (still do) pretend that it was because I really didn't want to burden anyone or draw too much attention to myself. But honestly, most of the time, it's just because I want to believe that I'm all good, self-sufficient, able to be a listening ear but not needing any listening ears. And most of the time it's remarkable that I can even begin to convince myself that's true. In fact, I probably am most desperate to believe that I don't need anyone's help when in reality I am in the most desperate need of help. I'm like that stupid one-legged dog from Homestarrunner, Lil' Brudder, gimping around saying, "I can make it on my own!" It wasn't that funny as a cartoon. It's less funny as real life. It's pride. And fear.

A similar situation, which I think has different roots, is my hesitance to say anything negative when people ask how I'm doing. It's always, "Good," or "Great," or "Lovely." And that, I think, comes more from the fact that it is not widely accepted that what is unpleasant isn't necessarily bad. Truly, blessings have been heaped on my head and I never have an excuse to say life is lousy, but I don't think "blessings" mean exclusively pleasant things, either. Struggle and growth are two enormous blessings that I feel pretty consistently, but they seldom feel what I would call "lovely." They're hard. They're trying. There's nothing wrong with that.

I have met few people who, when asked sincerely how they were doing, spoke openly about struggle without whining or looking for sympathy or even really being sorry for it. I hope to be one of those someday. I think it inspires honesty and deeper relationships and being okay with the fact that we're not all always doing great. I hate shallow "How are you"s and the more shallow reply of, "Great! How are you?" Maybe you are actually great, hallelujah, but if you're not then don't lie because it's polite. And if you don't really want to know how someone's doing then don't ask. When we're great, let's praise God and share with our friends so we can praise Him together. When we're not great let's praise God and share with our friends so we can praise Him together.

So. This past week has been rougher than most, and I could not get through it on my own. I cannot go through this (anything) alone. I am blessed up and down and out the door, but blessed doesn't mean easy (in fact I think it means the opposite a lot of the time), but I am missing out on some of those blessings when I try to keep things to myself. My pride only deprives me of what God wants to give me, which, I'm convinced, is Life.

Good. Night.

The only safe thing to say,

2011-05-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

that is also truth, that I can feel, is that I have a really great mom.

It seems my life as it exists in statements falls in to those three categories: what I know to be true, what I feel, and what is safe to say. Right now, none but the one above fits into all three. Everything else is distinctly segregated.

Student Life. . .Looks Like My Entire Life

2011-04-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

But not because I have unending years of school left. In fact, if I can swing it, I've only got two. And it looks like I may actually be able to swing it. However, it looks as if my entire life as it will be in these next two years will be nothing but school, nor does there seem to be life beyond these two years. But that's just a notion.

So, this week: I was approved to take 12 credit hours in the summer by a man who tried his hardest to talk me out of it. Do you realize that 12 hours in the summer is the equivalent to 24 hours in a normal semester? *Whhhhaaat?!* Yes, sir, I am aware. So, okay, no, I didn't actually know that, but looking at it that way, I took 18 hours last summer and was fine. I'll be fine (remind me that I said that in two months when I'm wailing to you about how hard my life is). So after a few more attempts to make it sound like I was going into battle rather than a classroom, the Mr. finally enrolled me and told me to make him proud. Well. Alright.

I also enrolled for the fall today and met with all the various advisors and discovered that I'm really closer to the end than I thought. I don't really have to take anything that doesn't have to do with my major if I don't want to (except German, but I would say that falls under a Communications category). Plus, I was introduced to the world of minors, which I never considered before, but which I take to be another thing that I decide upon based on my current interests which will inevitably change and then cost me time and money when I want to pick a different one. Isn't that what you do with majors? Ha. Kidding. Bad joke.

Anyway, we will see how this goes. So far they're all just plans, which always have a peculiar way of changing direction for me. Though, so far, always for the better.

Back Again

2011-04-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright, alright. Enough on the theme of, "Artistic Existential Doubt," otherwise known as plain and simple mellow drama. I'm sure it's fine and healthy in small doses but I can never hang out in it too long.

The truth is, my life is great and exceedingly blessed, and it looks as if it is only going to get better. Not that I have any idea what is going to happen. And, if we'll be honest with ourselves, we never really have any idea what is going to happen, but something about acknowledging that fact takes a weight off your shoulders. At least, when paired with the other fact that whatever does happen is in much more capable hands than your own.

I think that sometimes I take on so many questions and I struggle and wrestle and grumble with them for days or weeks at a time (and I really don't think that in itself is bad. I enjoy it and I think God does, too), but then I get frustrated because I'm not getting the answers I want, or any at all, until I realize again (and again and again and again) that it's an enormous comfort to have a million questions and no answers. I have all the answers I need to survive, but all those side ones and by-the-ways? I don't know if I really even want to know those. In fact, I'm sure I don't. Answered questions would only aid in my box building for God. I don't want to believe in a God who can be put in a box, even if it's a really great and complex box. I don't want to believe in a God who gives away all the answers. I don't want to believe in a God who has answers that I could even understand to the questions I have. Faith implies mystery. Mystery means not knowing or not understanding. Not understanding means there's something bigger than myself. God bless the Lord, there is something bigger than myself!

"Why do you ask my name? It is too wonderful to understand."

Skepticism and Cynicism

2011-04-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

BFFs with my pride and fear.

2011-03-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

If I know only one thing
It's that every thing that I see
Of the world outside is so inconceivable
Often I barely can speak

But you don't require my speech. Your spirit Himself intercedes for me, "with groanings too deep for words." Words can be lovely, but they're not enough. Understand my heart, O God! You do. As well as those of the people you are placing around me. Use me, use me, use me. Amen.

My love for you, so dear!

2011-03-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

I ate my store of seeds

So when you found me

In the dawning spring,

When the snow melts away

And the leaves turn green,

The seeds I ate

Would germinate

And sprout from me

As food to eat.

Slowing down, and how it feels a little like running into a brick wall

2011-03-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

Hi.

I haven't been the best about posting the last 5ish months. I started plenty, but apparently I never had the energy to finish them in a coherent manner so they're still unfinished drafts, sitting in my blog folder, and will probably remain there until I hop on the tumblr bandwagon or the internet goes out of style; two things which will probably never happen. I lack motivation to write when I don't think anyone is reading this thing, especially when it takes me so much concentration to write something appropriate for the public. I do a lot of writing but, contrary to popular belief, it's boring as heck and startlingly mellow-dramatic. Most people fear their journal being read because then all their deepest secrets would be out, but my only secret would be that what I talk about to myself is just as boring as what I talk about with other people. Sorry to disappoint.

Anyway.

I'm home now, after those same 5ish months. My life may not be changed, but I am, and my life will follow suit pretty soon. I think. I guess there's really no telling, but I can't imagine my life staying the same if the change that has happened in me is legitimate. I mean, I'm back in the same place doing the same thing I was before I left, and that's a little discouraging to be honest, but they warned us about this. I heard, several times, the analogy that life in DTS is like 100 mph train and home life is a 20 mph train. I thought I was pretty well prepared for that, but I think it's a little different: yeah it's slower, but not because less life happens, necessarily. It's just that no one's planning it out for me anymore, so if I don't plan anything, well, nothing's going to happen. Now it's my turn to take initiative, and it's going to be little awkward and slow for a while, but I have the full ability to get up and make what I want to happen happen. And I plan to. Or at least I plan on working towards that until God directs me elsewhere. And whatever that direction is, I will wait for it patiently, and I choose not to worry about it, because what good will it do me? I used to worry about things. I also used to make set life-plans and dare God to mess with them. Now I only have two principles to live by concerning the future: don't worry and never say "never." I'm making no assumptions, and no plans. You know those never really work out, right?

The Artist

2011-01-13T04:22:00.000-08:00

It´s easy to have reverence for artists. When someone so obviously can weild some sort of medium to create beauty, you can hardly help but throw your respect, liking, interest, and energy to them because they somehow just seem so worthy of it. Too often we throw too much of ourselves at them. We think that if we can associate ourselves with them enough, maybe some of their abilities will rub off on us. We advocate for them to our friends, buy all their products, strive to attain the first editions of whatever it is they make, and mimick their style in our own paltry artistic endevors. Without much luck, usually.

I used to struggle with feeling any of these things for God. The One from whom art itself came from, I know. It´s not like I can even pretend to have an excuse. Nevertheless, none of His artistry felt at all relevent to me. It felt big and grand and . . .completely unrelated. I heard a lot of romantic, over-used statements about how He made the stars, fashioned the universe, spoke the earth into being, knit me in my mother´s womb, etc. but somehow, the artisrty of these things could not get through my head, much less my heart. As if; well yeah, He´s God, that stuff is easy for Him, so no big D, yeah? Sure. If I can´t be impressed by that, then what am I even looking for?
Well, He got through to me, and He used Time-that thing I love to think and talk about because it seems so elusive and mysterious while remaining an everyday reality.
Yeah He´s God, and He could´ve revealed things to me in no time at all. He could´ve conducted my growth outside of Time altogether, but I learned this recently: God possess many of the qualities that human artists have, and suspense is one of them. In fact, His timing alone is what has made me realize His ridunk creativity. The line-up of what I´ve struggled with, what I´ve learned, who I´ve met, what I´ve heard and seen, and where I´ve been has been flawless, beautiful, and completely, one hundred percent unique. It´s been Struggle. You know God renamed Jacob Isreal (¨struggles with God¨) after he quite literally wrestled the angel of the Lord? And if the story of Isreal isn´t the most artistic, tragic, and epic story of all time, then no one deserves to be called an artist.

I could go buy His merchandise, if He had any, but here´s what´s better: He already gave me the first edition of my own story - My life.

This Place

2010-12-12T01:52:00.000-08:00

Day two in Bangkok.

I wish I could tell you how I feel about it. My feelings aren´t the most positive though, at least not the ones I can identify. My friend was wise in telling me not to get caught up in labels like "feeler" and "rock," but I feel very much on the extreme side of "rock." I understand that rocks are important, but so far I just feel kind of useless. It´s heavy, suddenly being on the other side of the world in order to share the love of Christ and realizing you have no idea how your actually going to do it. I know some of the things we´re doing, physically, but I have no way of knowing how effective it will be. Is my presence here going to make any difference to anyone´s life?

Really, it doesn´t matter. I couldn´t change anyone´s life if I tried, and focusing on fruit doesn´t produce fruit. All I can do is focus on Christ, His love for me, and His love for the people around me, and trust that, at some point, my cognitive strengths will be of some use to my team. The power is not in me. And thank God for that, really.

Words

2010-11-20T22:16:00.000-08:00

"A single affection may indeed be true. . . but it is only a vapor from the cauldron of the heart and bears no deeper relation to its exhaustless sources, than the letter which my pen makes bears to the thought that inspires it, --or than a single morning strain of your orioles and thrushes bears to that wide bird-chorus which makes every sunrise -- a worship, and every grove -- a temple."

I have always liked words. I like what they do. I like that they (usually) convey meaning. I like that their purpose is to refer to things other than themselves -that they're just a vessel - but sometimes the actual words are better than what they say. I like the way they can feel when they come in my ears or when they slip off my tongue (though they usually tumble). I like that they can be soothing like milk and honey, and can smooth over bruised hearts like a balm. I like the word almond. But unfortunately, the right words and the time to use them don't often come together. And sometimes I don't want to hear the words you're saying, or have to say the words I'm going to have to say back to you. And sometimes I get all these words stuck up in my head and they sound real good, but their order gets mixed up as they travel from my brain, down my arm, through my pen, and onto my paper and they end up not sounding any good at all. Even more so in the short distance from my brain to my mouth. They so rarely come out the way I mean for them to! And so I often stay silent.

"A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."

Oregon Coast

2010-10-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

It's beautiful.

I finally saw/felt the ocean for the first time in my life yesterday. It was everything I could have hoped for. Salty, powerful, big, full of life, full of mysteries, full of glory. Could anyone ever get used to it? I don't think I could. I just wanted to sit and stare from different places on the cliffs and dunes all day long. I love the feeling of being small and relatively insignificant.

The weeks are flying by. So are revelations. Everyday there's a new struggle but also a new breakthrough. There's barely any down time and when there is, all I want to do is try to process the things that have been shoved into my head but then there's a party and sometimes I can't refuse them. The value of a moment alone has risen to priceless in the past two weeks.

That being said, I really love everyone here. Our staff keep telling us that our group is even better than usual. I believe it. We're awesome. There are so many different personalities and talents and backgrounds but we all mesh really well. I realize it's still pretty early on in the school, but anything that happens will most likely only make us tighter. We're already pretty comfortable talking about poop. That's important.

Anyway, this next week is supposed to be even more intense than usual. Oh boy. You may not hear from me for a while. But I love you.

Pride and Fear

2010-10-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

I think they're the same thing.

I've been realizing in the past few days just how much pride is in my heart, and how the root of all of it is fear.

I used to think that pride was one of those things that always made itself know in really obvious and showy ways. In exaggerated ways, really. I always imagined this pompous royalty looking down his nose at people when I thought of pride. Somehow, all this time, I've been doing just that without even realizing it. And maybe no one else has realized it either, because it hasn't necessarily looked like that from the outside. But it dictates what I do, and what I'm willing to do for other people, and what I'm willing to do for God. Little, tiny, seemingly insignificant things that aren't even wrong to not do, but I think of doing them, and I don't because of my pride. Or, in other words, because of my fear.

Fear of . . .everything. I'm finally getting tired of it. I've been meeting people who are fearless. Not that they live on the edge or anything, but they just don't care so much if they fail or if they look like a fool or if they, honestly, succeed. Fear of success? Yes.

It's not going to be gone immediately. Not in a couple days. Probably, I'll be working on it for the rest of my life. But at least I can work on it, yeah? With God's grace.

-1 days

2010-09-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

Oh, hey Oregon.

You smell wonderful you feel chilly you make my nose run you allow me to wear jackets and hats you make me want to drink copious amounts of coffee and tea you are green and mossy you have mountains you have trees you have blackberry brambles you have a lot of seemingly awesome people you have tons of bunk beds all of which are full you are big and gorgeous and I can't wait to explore you.

Day 1 over. Met tons of people, all of which are already friends. The thing is, you know you're going to get REAL close with all these people, but you're not yet. But you make friends faster than usual. I kind of like it.

That's all for now.

11 Days

2010-09-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

Eeeeeeek!

I've come to the point where I've started thinking about packing and the things I need to get before I leave. Do I really want to take 5 pairs of shoes? Do I really want to take any books other than journals and Bibles? How many crafty things do I want to take (knitting gear: check)? Rain coat? Regular coat? Two-in-one? Back-pack and duffle? Suit case? UPS? Gah.

Honestly though, I'm not that stressed. Mostly excited. I really don't have to worry about anything besides packing. Today I talked to bank people and got money matters all figured out since there aren't any United Methodist Banks in Oregon (yeah, I don't know what UMB actually stands for. Probably something like United Midwest Bank , but I've never seen it spelled out so they can't blame me for making stuff up). But hey, I may not be far off in thinking Methodist. After all, the two ladies I talked to were particularly encouraging and wished me success in my endeavors. Who knows.

Anyway, I won't know for sure where our outreach will be until a few weeks in to the school, but I got a hint the other day that it will be some place warm. That's good news. Mostly because it will be winter, but also because it's easier to pack light for warm weather. And I am ALL ABOUT packing light. So much so, that baking soda is pretty much the only toiletry I'm taking. Woo! haha. I started using it instead of shampoo because it's so cheap and you only need to wash your hair once a week or so with it, but since then I've been hearing that baking soda works for everything: face wash, toothpaste, and of course all your baking needs. I probably won't go that extreme, but it'll be nice not to have to buy shampoo and conditioner, because I go through that stuff like crazy. So far my hair hasn't quite acclimated itself and it feels pretty gross but I have hope that it will balance out.

bye!

Keep Calm and Carry On

2010-08-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

I've been alternating between these two for the past couple weeks.

Ahhh, the waiting game. It never seems fair, and I always lose. At this point, though, there's not a lot for me to do except count the days to my departure. 24. Those are the moments where I panic and freak out.

Mostly I just get restless. This week was better because I worked, something I hope will continue, but whenever I'm off, I'm off, and then I get restless. It helps to hang out with people, but now most people are in school and unavailable. Sometimes it gets so bad that I just go driving. I try really hard not to, though, because I shouldn't waste money on gas when I already spend a lot just going to work and church in one week. I'm beginning to tire of living in the country.

I don't doubt that the waiting plays a vital role in this process (whatever process this is, exactly). I know my spirit needs rest between the struggle that lead to my decision to do DTS and the DTS itself, because I know there will be many struggles there. But I also know that things are going to start changing. Fast. I am going to change. Sometimes I just want to fast forward and BE changed, but I don't necessarily want the things around me to change. Or rather, I don't want my relationship with things/people/places to change, which they inevitably will. But I'll just have to deal with that. There can't be growth without change, and things that don't change become stale, even rotten or dead. No one wants that, right?

So. Waiting. Praying. Keeping calm and carrying on.

Dr. Day

2010-08-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

Two med clinics in one day. That's more med clinics than I usually visit in like, two years. Which, as I found out today, is a problem, because now I'm behind the times with . . . what the heck. I'm healthy (enough). I've probably had most of my immunizations. I just have to get a bunch of stuff on record because now I'm officially accepted to DTS! Woo! So off I go to be stuck with more needles.

It's Monday.

2010-08-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

I don't have any negative feelings towards Mondays. I'm just stating a fact.

I've been mildly productive thus far today (more like wildly productive compared to last week), but I don't feel that sense of having accomplished anything. The only explanation I can come up with is that I'm taking a break from coffee this week and it's day two. Every soft surface wants me to take a nap on it.

Actually, scratch that; that's not coffee deprivation, that's exercise deprivation. My over all feeling of well-being has been on a steady decline since swimteam ended, but it really started to hurt last week. As in, zero energy at all times and achiness. That's lame. Hello yoga. (That's not lame. . ?)

Anyway, one of my productive stunts today was to clear out and re-order my closet. Now, I don't have that many clothes. I'm mostly not a clothes accumulator and I usually wear variations on the same outfit everyday anyway, but I got rid of a lot and would have thrown out more if I hadn't remembered that I can't buy any new ones anytime soon. I feel myself slipping into one of those moods I sometimes get, though, where I'm just sick of clothes and dressing and paying attention to what looks good. Too much trouble! Plus, an enormously high percentage of clothes that I own, that I would really like if they fit me, need to be altered. I grab too many clothes that are too big at exchanges or at the thrift store, thinking I can just alter them later. Most of the time I can, but a lot of times my sewing skills are too measly to change anything and not destroy it, and a lot of times it's just a big hassle. So today, I put all such garments in a bag to be discovered someday when I am overcome by a fit of sewing fever, and from now on I will endeavor to only get clothes that fit in the first place. I think that's how most people do it.

Now, some aspirin, as the consequences of no coffee are making themselves known. Then early to bed, and early to rise.

Someday. . .

2010-08-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

We will be going here:

For This:

And this:

(The Selby)

What it Do

2010-07-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people who consistently announces the sentiment that life is straight up ridiculous, but lately it's been outdoing itself and I need to find a better adjective.

I decided to man up and do the Discipleship Training School with Youth With a Mission. I actually decided that a few weeks ago but it just now feels certain since I've gotten the blessings of all the most important people. Lemme tell ya, what an enormous burden taken off my heart. My hesitance to do DTS was all fear (which is one of the main reasons I figured I should do it), and one of my biggest fears was dealing with the people who would think that my decision was irresponsible, spur of the moment, an excuse to quit school, whatever, etc. but yesterday God helped me kick that fear in the ass and on TOP of that completely blessed me with all those people I worried about showing me total support and love. Ridiculous.

I'm completely loving KCBT. Today I ended up going to the second service instead of the third because I forgot that the Focus group wasn't meeting, and it was awesome to see a completely different crowd than I had seen before, sit with delightful strangers, sing in Spanish and hear some PERFECT beat poetry. Just yesterday I was looking in every journal I had to find old poems for an assignment for lit. and what I heard today inspired me to greatness. Even though I'm going to be leaving in a few months, I'm so glad to finally be growing some roots in a church. Why have I waited until now to do this?! Ridiculous.

This past week I went to swim practice for the first time in a week and a half and was fully expecting to be miserable and out of shape but I got in the water and KILLED IT. I felt awesome. And even though I've missed most of the meets this season I'm going to sign up for the IM (individual medley) for finals because it's the only event I've never done and this is my last chance to do it. I'm one of the slowest people on the team (ain't ashamed) but I discovered this week that I've got some sweet endurance so maybe I'll be good at it. Ridiculous.

There's a lovely storm raging outside. Cuddle with some tea and read a book.

Fun Fact

2010-07-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

Fun fact about me: I'm a sucker for music videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fckfszdLrs

How to Eat Your Breakfast

2010-07-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

Eating cereal in your underwear in your house is awesome enough, but eating cereal in your underwear in someone elses house is 10x better.

That's all I got right now.

The Fifteen Year Old Boy Diet

2010-06-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

My body is hatin' on me right now. Something that comes with two hours of daily exercise is a REdonki-donk appetite. And when I say redonki-donk, I'm not just gibbering.

I'm sure my metabolism has upped too, but it's not noticeable because I'm CONSTANTLY EATING. And not only eating, but eating like a fifteen year old boy, which means eating whatever the heck is around no matter how tasteless, junky, stale, or sugary. And, you guessed it, it's not really working out for me. Although, any other time of year, I would feel like ish from all that nast, and I actually feel fine. The problem is the tightening of my wardrobe. And that's not cool.

Now I'm house sitting, which means I won't even get my reg swim practice this week (plus I'm in a house full of cinnamon toast crunch, ice cream, fruit snacks, etc.). But today is a new day and I'm starting it out right. Let's hope I can keep it up.

Opportunities: Frecken meh OUT

2010-06-23T14:29:00.000-07:00

Dry land kicked my boo-tay this morning. I'm trying to remember if there's ever a point during the swimming season where my booty ceases to get kicked. I don't recall anything.

So. Opportunities. Or decisions. Two of 'em. School, work, live with Mor Mor and Angela and have totally awesome times, or somehow find the courage -and funds- to attend Discipleship Training School at Youth With A Mission.

Option A sounds so great, and I've been looking forward to it since spring. I'd be finishing my associate's, moving out-out of my parents (as opposed to semi-out, which has been the case for the past two years), living with and around people, working, playing, etc. I always get excited about the fall semester but I was especially excited about how this one was going to go down.

Option B is something I never even thought I'd consider. Hard, scary-no thanks. Recent developments, however, have made me think about it. Mainly, feeling an inadequate knowledge of God and what He's about, and a lack of a true relationship with Him, which are all things a DTS addresses. Soooooo. . .?

Yeah, no definite decisions yet. For now I'm going to get as involved as I can in a Raytown church, KCBT. I went last Sunday and I'm anxious to go again! I just want to connect with people and with God, something I've been pretty lax about. No more. That's the only certain thing in my plans. That and prayer.

Have a good evening!

Scorsese!

2010-06-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

Not the director, but the adjective. Like cri-zazy. But Scorsese. I def stole that one Diana but it so aptly describes life right now that I had to use it.

Speaking of def, like, Mos Def, Sweepstakes still remains the only song I've really gotten into on the new Gorillaz album. That was a total sidetrack. Sorry.

Swim. School. Work. Friends. Rinse. Repeat. Wait, the rinse part goes between swim and school, but you know what I mean. I don't how I managed to relieve myself of all the excess time I had on my hands, but I'm pretty sure it was a good thing. I have this bad habit of moping when summer comes around because I move back home and am consequently about an hour away from most of the people I know and am deprived of the very social event that is school. I decided early on in this summer, though, that I would just make myself busy. And it's worked out. If I'm not working, I'm studying. If I'm not studying, I'm driving. If I'm driving, it's usually to see a pal. So, as a result I feel productive and much happier than if I were just hanging around reading (but actually daydreaming about Greece or something super cliche like that).

So, today, when I got home from taking the ACT for the LAST TIME (really, I don't even think it matters now), I actually did start reading, and I started to read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. I read it a couple years ago but I'm not sure if I really got all of it. It's hefty. It's one of those books that you can't read laying down or it will make your arms sore. It's delightfully technical and meandering, though. She cites fictional works in the footnotes. ?! . That's hardcore. And by meandering I mean, like Dickens, there are countless characters with their own sub-plots and half the time you're not really sure any of them relate to one another. People don't write books like that very often anymore, and I think it's neat that Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell is only about 6 years old.

SO, I believe I will get back to that while I can. Tomorrow, I keep forgetting, is a little graduation party for Amy and I. Somehow I think we're the least excited about it of all the family. Meh, highschool. Meh, college. We're just here to keep it mellow.

Speaking of breathing. . .

2010-06-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

"Remember: when you're sprinting, don't breathe."

"Oh thanks, I almost forgot that one."

First day of swimteam. Not as terrible as I remember the first day last year. At least, I didn't feel like I was drowning, we started at 7 instead of 6, and it was actually above 65 degrees outside. Good start.

At any rate, however, I was sore in the first place from playing frisbee (because I'm THAT pathetic) so tomorrow morning is going to hurt extra bad. But bring it on. That feeling in my stomach after I've worked out hard for a couple hours is worth it. Getting out of the pool is the peak of every day this time of year. And it looks like we've got just as many, if not more kids on the team this year. Undefeated two years in a row? We'll see.

Thought: I always wish I could do a lot of things, but right now it's beatboxing. Matisyahu style. I try to, but my neighbors don't seem to appreciate it. That might just be because they're not into beatboxing, though.

Can I write this in 6 minutes before I leave for work?

2010-05-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

Really, I'm very thankful to have any work considering the very limited time I have this summer restricts my job options, but I feel that I've hardly had time to BREATHE since I got back from my trip last Thursday. And it was a pretty crazy trip, and lots of things to think about came home with me (they must have snuck into my back pack at the last minute. . .).

Anyway, all I've had on my mind is finding time to work through all the stuff that's on my heart. What is your favorite thing to do when you need to reboot or find quite time? I will try any suggestions come. . . someday.

The Unexpected Diplomacy of Certain Parents

2010-05-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well.

Sometimes parents will really surprise you by not flipping lids about something. Even when you think they wouldn't, but then when the subject arises you think, "Oh dear, they really are going to freak out," they turn around and are completely reasonable, even if you're not. But then they go to the OTHER side of unreasonable and hand you money for good grades. What is that? Not like I'm complaining. . .

This week feels like eternity. School ended, saw two (very different) concerts of two friends, hang, hang, hang(ing out), more hanging out, and off to catch a train. Packing will have to fit in somewhere in there, and as a novice traveler I'm wondering how much to take. I plan on packing light: camera, phone, clean underwear, done. But do I take one bag I can fit on the plane or two, one for books and food and whatnot and another for clothes? All you travelers, show me the way.

I'm really excited for this trip, despite the fact that I'll be coming back alone. Traveling alone wouldn't be so bad, but coming home alone, as in, without Becky, is going to The. Worst. What a jewel, a jewel that won't be around (me) for the next two years, at least. I don't even want to think about it. Imma be visiting often, B.

Gotta pack!

Mah Bloggin' Roots

2010-05-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

I took a little stroll down memory lane just now, visiting the land of Xanga. Xanga. Do you guys remember that place?

The thing is, I was thinking about how I was about due to write another post, but was feeling that I wasn't really an inspired sort of poster and that I never knew what to write about, when I was reminded of Xanga.

Now, I was pretty big into Xanga. I had my profile all fancy-shmance and color coordinated and cool and I posted profusely. The problem with posting profusely, however, especially when you're 13, is that there's a much greater chance of posting something (a lot of things) that makes you sound completely ridiculous. The first time I looked back at some old posts I deleted them all, and once Facebook took off I deleted my site for the same reason. Ehm-barassing. I didn't want that stuff floating around the internet to haunt me later. I've got 20-something journals in the bowels of my steamer trunk for that.

I missed reading about all of my friends lives, though, when Facebook was the new thing and everyone abandoned posts altogether. I wrote some "notes", and then got this thing, but for some reason I don't feel like I have a lot to write about. Hopefully it's because I'm not as much of a 13 year old anymore and no longer write absurd and arrogant things (on the the internet). I still manage to fill up journals in a few of months but none of that is really profound or amusing or even interesting, but at least it's not ridiculous. . . Maybe I should check to make sure. But whatever, it's a journal! Aren't you supposed to fill it with ridiculous things so that when you're old and weathered you'll have something to laugh at? That was the plan, anyway.

So, all that said, if I have any great bursts of inspiration, I'll be sure to let you know, but in the meantime I guess I'll keep ranting about the weather and time and all that other stuff.

The Trouble with Weather Forecasts

2010-04-21T10:11:00.001-07:00

Today was supposed to be rainy. It was supposed to be cold. I was excited to not be distracted by the outdoors while I knocked out tons of homework. But it's warm and sunny. Warmth and sun are not conducive to homework annihilation.

It's so warm that I had to get an iced latte instead of my trusty Americano today. I really wanted an Americano and I can tell this latte isn't going to do the trick, but I had to get it because I spent about fifteen minutes sitting in my 90 degree car trying to figure out why my key wouldn't turn, wondering if I should call Dad, not wanting to bother dad at work, why would he know what's wrong without seeing it anyway, try some more, try some more, should I call Dad? All the while sweating profusely (a genetic inheritance from my Dad, in fact. The girls and I just talked about this). Finally, at a loss for anything else to try, I call him. "Try turning the wheel one direction and then starting," *vavroom* "HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?!" Guys, what would we do without dads and all their practical knowledge? I'd still be sitting in my 90 degree car right now, sweating up a storm and feeling hopeless. Thanks, Dad. But I had to get something cold lest I risk even more sweat. Diana says it's healthy. I say it's annoying.

Anyway, does anyone else feel like they're going through a time warp? Two more weeks of classes! Three weeks before I embark upon a grand adventure across the Midwest and to the coast with my dear B. This will be the first time I've: ridden a train, seen the ocean, and flown. In that order. It's a big deal.

I'm out!

The Haps

2010-04-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

The only reason I'm writing this is because it's dark outside and getting a bit chilly. Otherwise I'd still be out there, feeling the perfect, downy grass on my bare feetsies. Look Becky, twice in one day I've managed to make up a word that sounds like feces. Feasties and feetsies. Good gracious.

When was the last time we had such a perfect spring (yes, this is the weather portion of the post)? On Tuesday I was marvelling at all the flowering trees and I consciously made an effort to remember winter. I don't know how we made it through. But I'm glad everyone seems to appreciate this new warmth by being outside. Becky and I had our first picnic this morning and it was nice to see all the runners and bikers and dog walkers. I stepped in her gum and got sunburnt for the second time this week. I think it was a successful start to the picnic season.

As for the haps, I enrolled for the summer and fall and my degree report now says that everything I need is either done or in progress. Woot! By the end of next fall I will have my associates and be able to transfer (to Lord knows where), and this May I finally graduate high school (. . . it's complicated). I've only been in high school the regular four years but I say finally because it's felt like most of my life. I guess that's how college is going to feel, too.

Before any of that, though, we've got a sunrise picnic coming up, the kite fair, the market (which I'm technically not a part of but will try to join as often as possible), mah burfday, and many other fun things sprinkled in between. Enjoy your April!

Philosophy Shmilosophy

2010-04-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong, Philosophy is definitely my most enjoyable class this semester. In fact, it's the only one that requires any critical thought at all. However, when the weather is this beautiful, and I am this obviously blessed, I don't really care what living in a relativistic universe means. I would much rather LIVE in this "relativistic" universe by flying a kite than sit here and analyze what it means. Thinking about life isn't the same as living life. And guess which one's more worthwhile.

However, as long as I'm required to think about life, I might as well think about it well. And here's what I think; Thank you Lord, for this relativistic, Newtonian, whatever you want to call it universe. All these philosophers apparently think it's crazy and unfathomable and confusing, but the more I am forced to think about these specific questions (that my textbook gives me), the more I realise how incredibly life works. Take this example:

Nature follows patterns. We don't really need anyone to tell us that, either. But think about what the world would be like without patterns. If our veins didn't always branch off evenly into smaller and smaller capillaries; or if water sometimes skipped the precipitation part before it collected and evaporated; or if every snake that ever existed had different colors in different orders. . .we'd be in trouble. Nearly every natural occurrence is a part of a pattern and we need those patterns to survive. If everything was higgldy-piggldy we wouldn't be able to use past experience or peer knowledge to deal with the day-to-day, because every day. . .well, days are patterns, too.

So in short, patterns are necessary, and I guess I wouldn't have really realised that unless my Philosophy textbook had asked me. I guess it is useful, after all, if only to FURTHER solidify my belief that creation freakinsldkhfalkjee ing awesome. Awe-some. Awe-inspiring. In the fullest sense of the word.

April Fools? More like April Ninja

2010-04-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Who else feels like April arrived early? I was even consciously looking forward to it, and was still taken off guard. Sneaky thing. I didn't even realize today was the first until I saw Google's annual April Fool's joke.

So, now commencing project Get Up Off Your Lazy Butt and Quit Eating Crap. It involves getting up to WORK OUT and avoiding GPeg's candy shop pantry at all costs. It's kind of a problem when everyone in this house has a sweet tooth but only one of them is capable of gaining any weight at all. Thankfully, when the weather is warm all I really want to eat is fruit. I have plans to buy a mango after school tomorrow. I found that the only way to eat a mango is to peel it like an avocado (it must be pretty ripe) and then stand over the sink and eat it with your hands. They're way to slippery to cut up and you lose precious juices that way. Plus, eating food in the messiest way possible is always satisfying.

Anyway, today calls for a sun dress and a picnic. Perhaps some kite flying, too. Hopefully we'll have this kind of weather for the kite festival at Longview (17th)! Everyone should come to that because it's positively gleeful.

And now for homework...

Beautiful Things

2010-03-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

Besides the glorious sun which is shining outside, I saw these two photos and my heart just soared with inspiration. The top is a photo of pot-hole gardens, and the second is of a house on its own little island in Iceland. Both are from A Cup of Jo, who had many other equally heart lifting photos that made me yearn for spring and all that it entails; life, growth, fun, sweetness, dirt, green, love, sun, happiness, and carelessness. Ahhh, magnificent. Soon it will be here!

The Story of My Life

2010-03-12T10:13:00.000-08:00

"Ahhhh, just finished the third Percy Jackson. I wish I would have borrowed all of them from Michelle at once instead of just taking the first three. Ah well, now I have no excuses for not studying. Okay, Psychology...mcckc.edu..blackboard...doo do do...Psych 140...chapter 4, no online notes. Cool. Chapter 4, I'll get right on that, but I'm FREEZING. Better make a quick cup of tea..."

An hour and half later, the kitchen is spotless, but no tea has been made and no Psychology has been studied. This happens every time I try to do school. It's terrible. But now I must try again and I won't be leaving my room for anything lest I should be sucked towards cleaning up another room like a black hole. It's really a problem.

I have realized that I am a poor blogger. Bloggist?

2010-03-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make, something I am sad about; I don't write like I used to. I used to write poetry all the time and make my life sound so exciting and dangerous in my journals (several times a day) but now I never write poetry and my journal entries are less frequent and terribly dull. I blame school but I really hope it's just a phase. I miss feeling inspired. Perhaps I need more fruit.

In the meantime, maybe reading will help me. I've been reading a Michael Pollan book for a while now called A Place of My Own. It's about his experience of venturing away from the world of words to actually make something tangible with his hands, so he built a little writing building in the woods. And wrote a book about it (still one with the words, apparently). A lot of it is about the history and Philosophy of architecture, which is really interesting (though I did read it aloud to Michelle after we watched Signs so she wouldn't be scared, and I'm pretty sure that after half a page she was almost blissfully asleep until Amy booted her upstairs), but the reason I picked it up is because as long as I've lived in the country (11 years now), I've always wanted a little house in the woods. A little secret place to write or hang out, have slumber parties. And at first I just wanted a little, simple shed that was finished on the inside. But, like Pollan, the more I thought about it the larger it became. I wanted to fit a bed in there, some chairs, a table, too. That might be cramped, maybe it should be two stories and the bed could be upstairs? It could have a secret garden, too. When I saw Marie Antoinette, her "little" country palace became my new model. But of course, maintaining my little room will have to satisfy me. Pollan managed to build his little shelter without getting too carried away, but then he moved. So now I plan to go find and live in his old house.

However, even though I'm in the middle of that, I'm actually also in the middle of The Lightning Thief, and I'm eating it right up. This week is spring break and I plan on finishing the series before it's over. I just love young reader books, and in light of the fact that all the things that need to be done around our new house and the homework I should do while I have the chance are both too overwhelming, I have nothing better to do. Off I go to Olympus.

moved

2010-03-01T14:54:00.000-08:00

Welp, I'd been looking foreward to this past weekend for almost a month, but it passed just as fast as the rest of them.

FRIDAY. I went home for the first time in aaaages. Really. When I go there no one was around, the kitchen furniture was gone, the living room nearly empty, the basement barren, but my room remained untouched as I had expressly ordered.

Unfortunately, this is the only picture I got of it undisturbed before my battery went out. It's a miracle I managed to find the charger among all the crazy later.

My parents had left me a key to the new house so I went over there and saw the inside for the first time. It's remarkably similar, though I still don't understand why those 50's kit houses never have ceiling lights in the bedrooms and always have green tile in the bathrooms.

On Saturday, our lovely extended family came and helped us move the major necessities. I mostly just set up my room, which has two windows, which is all I really need to be content. My plants have been somehow living with paltry western sunshine for too long. Waaaaay too many journals.New closet, which is big enough for everything I need but don't want to look at, which is most of my stuff (except the books, I do want to look at those).Shane and Diana. Thank you for helping!
Next week is spring break so I'll finally be able to stay there for a while and get everything homey. I need my baking buddies to break in the kitchen!

this week.

2010-02-24T05:07:00.000-08:00

I've been working on a draft of a post for over a week. Here's the latest: if I can't finish it in one sitting, I can't finish it. I keep forgetting what points I was trying to make.

SO, fresh start. Obviously, my little stunt as a substitute mom is over. No big D. I actually babysat again last night. The kids looked like they had grown in the past couple days. But not grown up.
"Uhh, Elise?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you know there was a kind of bird called a booby. . .?!"
"pffffffhfhfhfhfhfheeehe"

Eight year old boys are full of that kind of stuff.

Anyway, things are a little too busy for any thought-provoking posts. The next few will probably just be about moving (!). It's going to be a party.

Sunny Summer Sunday Afternoon

2010-02-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

That's the first thing I thought of today, when I woke up and the sun was out! How I wish it really was summer. . .

Welp, things are going pretty good, minus the snowing part, which just started in full force. DARRRRRRNN YOU MISSOURI WINTER WEATHER. Forget Hades and Persephone and whoever else ruled the underworld. You are the worst!

Speaking of Greek mythology, I am aware that it's now cool with the young'uns because of a certain book and movie about a kid called Percy Jackson. I feel out of the loop because I haven't read any of the series. Be prepared to lend me your collection, Michelle (and Happy Golden Birthday!).

Anyway, Project Babysit is going smoothly. I've only heard Pussycat Dolls sing in chipmunk voices 20 times this morning. I also have not had to kick Apple the Demon Cat, although I was really tempted to trap her in the laundry basket earlier. Our relationship remains strained.

The kids and I went to Starbucks earlier where I satisfied my craving for an Americano. The only reason we went to Starbucks as opposed to an independent coffee shop is because I don't know of any around here and there's an SB on ev.er.y corner. I used to not really care about Starbucks taking over the world and stuff and how the hardcore coffee people said it was dirt, but now that I actually get coffee without milk and syrup at coffee shops I can taste the difference. It's not terrible but it's not great. Not as great as other places. And if I'm going to spend money on coffee I'd rather it be great. JP gets so much of my income that I should be getting free stuff by now. Maybe I'll mention that next time.

In conclusion, Happy Valentine's Day! Stay warm and well.

While I'm waiting.....

2010-02-11T15:14:00.000-08:00

For the water to boil, I might as well give ya'lls an update.

Commencing Project Babysit: Round Two. Picked kids up from school, made sure homework got done, and making dinner. And guess what: got sick. That actually happened on Monday but I hope it won't inhibit my militant nannying abilities.

Earlier today I single-handedly saved my grandparents $25,000. Beware of scammers pretending to be your grandchild in need of bail.

Anyway, when I got sick I felt really sorry for myself and lay in bed all morning and watched a movie called The Seventh Seal. It was a Swedish movie made in the 50's about a knight and his squire on their way home from fighting in the crusades and traveling across plague-stricken Europe. On their way, the knight met Death and challenged him to a game of chess. They would play a little at one place and wait to meet again to resume their game. The knight was having an inner conflict, trying to find sense in having fought a war for years in the name of a god that was allowing this plague to kill so many at home. He hoped that he could beat Death at chess and wrest all the answers from him, but Death had no answers. It was terribly depressing. Especially the scenes of monks and others who thought the plague was a punishment from God. I can't even imagine living through that, especially when we now know it was simply poor water and sanitation rather than damnation. How do you think you would act in that sort of situation? It's hard to say.

On a lighter note in the movie category, last weekend I watched Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs with one of the kids. I didn't think it would be that funny but I laughed through the whole thing. The weird thing is, these kids don't laugh at movies. Or maybe we have different tastes (but he said he thought it was funny). I watched Emperor's New Groove with them once and laughed THE WHOLE TIME because that movie is hilarious. Them? Silence. What's the deal?! He's a llama! That's gold! Ahhh, this new generation...

Dinner's ready!

Snow, Kids, and Moving

2010-02-08T11:16:00.000-08:00

The first installment of babysitting is complete. All went well, no broken bones, nervous breakdowns, or serious demonstrations of disobedience. Quite a bit of adolescent sass, though. Good thing I'm pretty good at sass, myself.

Even though it wasn't bad, I'm still reveling in my break. I get really bored over there because it's not my house and I don't have anything to do. I finished all my homework and read a book. For three days. I probably would have thought it was nice but my family is moving soon and starting to pack things up, and I'm anxious to sort and organize and get rid of stuff. Because I'm one of those crazy people who gets a kick out of that kind of thing. I called my mom last week to tell her that I wouldn't see her for a while, and she said, "Well, call before you come home because we might be living in a different house." Boo hoo.

But anyway, what is up with this winter, man. I don't think I've seen this much snow in my life. When I got out of school on Friday it was ridiculous. Here's Longview Lake:

Invisible! Yeah, yeah, taking a picture while driving on a bridge in psycho b-word Missouri weather probably isn't the best idea, but I'm still alive. For now, though, I'm staying in!

School and Rules are Tools for Fools.

2010-02-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

I write to you as I await the beginning of computer class. Computer class that I hate. Because it's stupid. And dumb. Humpf.

Once I leave school today I begin my role as substitute mom for the next three weeks. My aunt and uncle are going to the Superbowl, Spain, and then Vancouver. Yeah, business trips. WTH, guys, can't you just take me and your kids with you? Anyway, I hope I make it. These kids are pretty cool but if I was ten and my parents were replaced with a teenager I wouldn't be thrilled either. I mean, maybe for a day but then I would want my mom back. Fortunately, I've done this before. Unfortunately, it didn't go well last time. Mostly because I got sick on the second night and wanted nothing more than to go home to my mommy. But anyway. I'll let you know if I survive. Maybe I'll return with some good anecdotes.

Wish me luck!

Good Morning

2010-01-24T08:11:00.001-08:00

Get it while it's hot.

Thoughts on Love

2010-01-23T17:25:00.000-08:00

I wonder how much money I would save if I didn’t buy coffee in coffee shops. I’m betting it would be upwards of hundreds of dollars a year. As my dear Becky says, that’s an ipod.

If coffee were the only reason I came to coffee shops, then obviously I wouldn’t come. But they also provide a nice place to sit and think or write or type out pre-written thoughts, which is why I come. Buying coffee, I feel, is only polite to the baristas. And oh, so tasty.

So, I’ve got some crunchy little thoughts for you to nibble on today. They’re about love. Nope, not ‘I’ve got a crush on you’ love or ‘blue is my favorite color’ love, but the love that we’re expected to show one another. And by expected I mean required. It’s not always the easiest thing in the world. And by that I mean it’s like, the hardest thing in the world.

This is a subject I’ve been think about a lot lately, mostly because I feel like I’ve been failing at it a lot lately. Wanting to be a witness to people was counteracted by the fact that no one will be open to a witness when the witness apparently doesn’t like you. But we’re not required to like people. We’re required to love people. But how the heck do you love people you don’t like?!

Okay, I truly believe that the only way to lead people to Christ is by showing them love. Christ-like love. After all, we were saved because God loved us. We are drawn to Him because of His love, not because He acted all elusive and disdainful. This may seem kind of obvious, but I think Christians get snagged on believing the lie that if you treat a non-believer who is obviously in sin with contempt and act aloof around them, they’ll think you’re in some exclusive club and they’ll just be dying to do whatever they can to get in.

Uhh, no.

Who wants to be friends with someone who acts like a jerk? No one. That’s not how we came to believe, is it? The girls and I talked about this at Bible study the other night, where we are studying Romans and have started to memorize verses. The one I picked was Romans 2:2-4. I read it three or four times before I realized why I wanted to memorize it:

Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of God’s kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you to repentance?

Romans 2:2-4

God’s kindness. Not his wrath, not his unacceptance. His kindness i.e. His love.

This hit me double, because not only was I not showing love to non-believers, but I really was passing judgment on my fellow believers for the same sin that I was guilty of: failing to show love. Failing to show my own brothers and sisters love. Bad.

Okay, so now we know that love is the only way to go. Here comes my question(s): How do you show love without condoning behavior? Or, should we even worry about that? This is what has gotten me all hung up lately. In the past 24 hours, however, I’ve pretty much decided that it’s not something we need to worry about. “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Mathew 22:37-39) I think that’s about as straight forward as it gets. No need to put conditions on it. Just love.

Like I said, I figured that out in the past 24 hours. Which means that whole group of kids that I tried to be a witness to last semester showed more love to me by accepting me into their group and acting happy to see me than I did by acting like I was gracing them with my presence. I never thought I would be guilty of that, but there it is. So there was a big fat chance to show love and I wasted it, so I was pretty bummed, assuming I probably wasn’t ever going to see those kids again. But then, I ran into one of them. Then two of them. Then another. I have a class with another (which was actually planned). A second chance?! For real? I don’t know. I hope so. And I hope I don’t screw it up this time.

How Quickly a New Day Turns Old

2010-01-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

Ever since the holidays I've been ready to get to the ol' grind and have regular sleeping hours, reasonable waking hours, and productivity in between. For me, productivity goes hand-in-hand with waking early, even if I don't start to do anything for a couple hours. There's something about waking up when it's not quite light outside, going through the morning necessities at your own pace, and having time to sit and watch the world wake up with the always blessed first cup of coffee or tea and a book. It makes me feel like I'm in control of the rest of the day, I can handle it. So everyday I make plans for this; "Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up at 6:00 and start the day right, and it'll be great."

Unfortunately, planning it does not make it happen. For example, I'd been on a kind of roll this week, mostly because I had to wake up early for school, but then today, today I would wake up early for myself and feel empowered for the rest of the day. 6 O'clock, here I come! Hello, new day! Welp, I missed it. The day's nearly half over already and I've just had that first cup of coffee, a little less blessed because I feel I didn't earn it, but no less necessary.

My point in saying all this, even if it's just to myself, is that I can still salvage this day. I have a bad habit of basing the entire day on how it starts, so I may waste the whole thing because I wasted part of the morning. But that's silly, so I'm now making plans that extend beyond the morning hours. And sometimes we just need sleep. Especially when, like last night, the Divine Mother visits and bestows upon you your monthly subscription of Womanhood, and getting out of bed at 6 a.m. is just not going to happen. That's okay. I can still conquer the rest of the day. Even if I must throw out everything that was previously on the agenda and start anew. So here's what we're looking at:

Brush teeth (yes)
Read over school info
Mongolian BBQ
Make life plans

If I accomplish all that, I'd say that's a pretty productive day. If not, no worries. Every day is new! I cannot think of a greater blessing right now.

well hey

2009-09-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

So far I'm only on here to comment on Angela's blog.